


Raccoons: a Masked Menace?

by ModestMondays



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-14 14:56:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14138409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModestMondays/pseuds/ModestMondays
Summary: This is Connie's 6th grade biology paper on Raccoons with heat vision.





	Raccoons: a Masked Menace?

Constance Maheswaran  
Mr. Nye  
6th Grade Biology  
1 April 2014

  
Raccoons: a Masked Menace?

  
    The raccoon is known by the names common raccoon, North American raccoon, northern raccoon, or by the colloquial nickname "trash panda." But it is not a real panda. It has the scientific name _Procyon lotor_. _Procyon_ means doglike and _lotor_ means washer. This is because raccoons resemble dogs, and are seen "washing" their food in streams and water. But some scientists believe that raccoons are more closely related to bears or to weasels than to dogs (Quill 70).

  
    Raccoons are nocturnal, omnivorous mammals, usually around 16 inches to 28 inches long and weighing anywhere from 11 pounds to 57 pounds. They are easy to recognize, because they have gray fur, tails with black and white rings, and a "mask" of black fur around their eyes surrounded by white fur on the rest of their face (see Figure 1: Raccoon). They are very smart. For example, they can learn to solve complex puzzles, such as opening locks (Quill 69). 

 

  
Figure 1: Raccoon (image via _Wikilopedia Britannica_ )

  
    Their most notable feature is their thermo-ocular ability, also known as "heat vision" (see Figure 2: Raccoon with Heat Vision). As you can see from this alarming and unaltered image, a raccoon can use its heat vision with great precision (Fryman).  Fortunately for humanity, they currently use their heat vision primarily to steal food from hikers and campers who venture into their territory (Barry). Because of this calamitous ability and their "mask" of facial fur, raccoons must be considered a "masked menace."

  
   
Figure 2: Raccoon with Heat Vision (Fryman)

  
    As our cities expand, raccoons are leaving their traditional woodland and forest habitat for coastal marshes, mountains, and, most importantly, urban areas. In cities, raccoons switch from their usual omnivorous diet, which includes insects, fruit, nuts, fish, amphibians, and aquatic invertebrates, to one that consists mostly of humans' garbage and discarded food. This earns them the nickname "trash pandas." Urban raccoons still nest in trees and wooded areas just like wild raccoons, but will also nest in attics, garages, and empty buildings (Quill 70-71).

  
    Unlike the dogs that are their namesake, raccoons are not man's (or woman's) best friend. At any moment, these creatures could become a true "masked menace" by using their heat vision to take over our garbage dumps. Then they could use their intelligence and dexterity to drive our garbage trucks around, collecting our trash and recyclables without properly separating them. The resulting ecological damage would be truly catastrophic (Fryman).

  
    In conclusion, we must take action to remove raccoons from our cities. Since they can never understand the importance of proper trash disposal, and we cannot defeat their heat vision, we need a novel approach. Fortunately, raccoons are capable of space travel, so all we need to do is show them that we have "placed food on Jupiter" and they "will find a way to get it" (Barry). With all the raccoons safely in space, humanity will no longer need to live in fear of their heat vision.  
  


Works Cited:  


"Raccoon." _Wikilopedia Britannica_. 2014.  
Quill, Peter. "Raccoons: a Review." _Human Science Quarterly_ 1 April 2001: 69-71.  
Fryman, Ronaldo. "Raccoons: the Secret Government Conspiracy to Keep Their Sweet Heat Vision a Secret from the Common Beachgoer." _Keep Beach City Weird_ 1 April 2013  
     <<http://www.keepbeachcityweird.tumblr.com/>>  
Barry, Dave. "Only A Real Toad Would Want To Miss Summer Camp."  _Chicago Tribune_ 20 July 1986:  
     <<http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1986-07-20/features/8602220217_1_summer-camp-urban-environment-campers>>

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks for reading! Thanks to my beta readers: @badtech-reblogs on tumblr for making several very helpful suggestions for reorganizing/adjusting some sections and @howdoyoudoi (also tumblr) for catching several errors that Connie wouldn't make. Any remaining errors or imperfections are strictly my own. 
> 
> All the science facts about raccoons are courtesy of Wikipedia. The first three works cited are fictional, but the Dave Barry article is real.
> 
> Connie did not get a final grade on this paper, because Mr. Nye let her replace it with a properly researched one.


End file.
